Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Bad day on the Spectrum.

Today I broke at least four of the cardinal rules of being a parent of a child with autism. (or pretty much of being a parent, period,)
 It just got to be too much repeating & he could not manage to get beyond this being a snow day so "why should I wear pants & see my SCC?" That flew. Rescheduled. But I lost it at why can't you do some very simple little tasks like your brother & sister do?

Here are my sins, bared to you all with humility and shame.

I got very angry. I yelled & yes, I swore. I cussed up a huge storm ,
I ranted & raved and tossed his dirty dishes into the dishwasher.
I wasn't pretty, or loving or in any way rational.
Then I broke the biggest fattest rule of all time and said
"I didn't buy a ticket on the flight to planet Autism"
How's about that for a screwup?

He went into his hole for a half hour & I just wallowed in my remorse while I cleaned out the wood stove.
Noah came to me & hugged me & told me that "hey, he yelled at you first" which in NO way makes it right.
Then Noah said to me that I was doing the best job I could & that he'd always have my back & be there to help.
I said "Noah, that's not your job"
He said "S'okay mom, I'm a volunteer."

Of course I bought the ticket, I bought the ticket on the day that I decided to have children. I bought hook , line & sinker every ability or disability. All the good days & the less good days. I bought it all the day I decided to be a parent & I have no business reproaching anyone (least of all those kids) for my decisions. Therefore I have but one option. That is to try to do the best damned job of it I can, to be more mature, to rise above my immediate desire to rant or rave and to give unto the society the most well rounded, contributing individuals I can.
Today, I get a  fail.


  1. my dearest Murtie....
    Up until today your blogs (is that what we call them?) have always made me chuckle, and even laugh...but not today!!! I have a sad face and my <3 goes out to you. I am going to send you a virtual hug in hopes that it will make you feel better!! You are doing an amazing job as a parent and it is beyond me how you could ever think otherwise...Tomorrow is a new day, embrace it and remember that today "Super Woman's" tights were just a little too tight, and that is the reason why your day wasn't as enjoyable as it should or could have been!!!
    keep smiling <3

  2. Anonymous Heather,

    Aww hon (HUGS). There is absolutely no doubt you love your children. You don't have to reproach yourself for having a human moment! You are 99.99% on the ball with our children. Sometimes something gives and that's what happened today. I totally agree with kkkk (Karen?) Today is a new day. Today things will be better. I love that Noah has your back and is a volunteer. I love his maturity in this situation. More proof of what a fantastic parent you are! Yesterday is the past. Put it behind you and move on to today.

    Lots of love and hugs xx <3

  3. Thanks guys.xxxooo I do feel much better today, happens sometimes.
    & yes Heather, that is Karen.